Right. Sleepytime.

Am I lying on my headphones? And where is my iPod? Oh, got it. Under the pillow. If we could just make the sound come through the pillow that would be much comfier. But wait, they already make those and I can’t have one because I’m convinced I would forget about it and give it to a guest who would accidentally press play during the night and think that demons were talking to them. I don’t really want to wake up headless. Earbuds it is.

Snuggle snuggle. And…begin.

WHOOOOSH… WHOOOOOSH… [babbling brook sounds]…

Great. I need the loo.

Okay. That’s helped. Here we go.

WHOOOOOOSH… Find a comfortable place to sit or lie down…

Which? This may have an effect on the narrative. Or are we just going to be lying on a beach again? I bet we’re going to be lying on a beach. Which reminds me of a painful relaxation tape episode when I was 12 and my father gave me the tape to distract me from my terrible sunburn then wondered why I was groaning as I listened to, “You can feel the sun beating down…”

Also I couldn’t relax that much on a beach. What if I fall asleep and the tide comes in? Or there’s a tidal wave? I was always scared of tidal waves. On some beaches people are always trying to sell you stuff and it’s not very relaxing. And if I fall asleep on a beach people might steal my stuff. Even on an imaginary beach I need my stuff.

I’m going to mention parts of your body…

Oi, my eyes are up here. On my eyeballs.

…and you will feel those parts begin to relax. Remove any item of clothings that might hinder your total relaxation…

“item of clothings“? Are you winging this?

Picture yourself in a magical forest…

Okay, that’s new. But are we talking about Disneyland-safe, sanitised fairytale magic or dodgy street magician stealing my wallet while showering me with playing cards magic? Am I lying down in the forest? If I’m standing up it wouldn’t be very relaxing but if I’m lying down it might be uncomfortable. I suppose I could make a bed out of some moss or something but it’s night and it will be cold. Also there could be bugs. Is something crawling on me?

… and the moon is lighting up the rich…forest…trees.

Yeah, you’re winging this.

The crickets are gently lulling you to sleep…

And here come the bugs.

Above you you see a white light.

Do I go into it?

It is the most relaxing light you could ever imagine.

That’s not setting the bar very high. I mean, I don’t routinely sit around fantasising about the day I win the lottery and can afford really soothing lightbulbs. If light is so relaxing why did you start off telling me to turn down the lights, hmm?

The light lowers onto your head…

This is where it would be helpful to know whether I’m standing or lying. If I’m standing I feel this will proceed smoothly, but if I’m lying down and this weird light starts lowering itself towards my face, then I’m going to feel less relaxed and more like a glow worm is trying to smother me. Hey, remember that glow worm matching game we used to play? I always really liked the square pyramid pieces. It was satisfying the way they fit exactly into the holes in the board. Where were we? Ah, the smothering glow worm. You know, this reminds me of exactly two things: a particularly vengeful Tinkerbell, and the light that kidnapped people and took them to the future in The 4400. I can’t believe I stuck with that show for so long hoping there would be resolution. I hate when things just get cancelled, even when I’m not that committed. Don’t even start me on Flash Forward. Netflix is a harsh mistress. Oh! The light.

You feel all the little frowns in your forehead just smooth out…

Yes, my forehead is where I like to keep my frowns. Are you calling me wrinkly?

Your eyelids feel so heavy you don’t even want to open them…

I should have known it was a mistake drawing your attention to my eyeballs.

Eyeballs, blah blah, facial muscles, jaw relax, blah blah…

Sorry, forgot to listen for a minute there. Please continue.

You feel all the little nerve endings begin to relax…

Nerve endings relax? I suppose mine could do with calming down about now. I shouldn’t have had that extra Coke Zero so close to bedtime. Am I rattling?

The light travels down your spine. As it goes you feel the warmth move out across your back and around your bottom as it travels on to the hollow of your knees…

Hold up. The back thing started out relaxing and was just beginning to work when suddenly we were at my knees (and can we leave my bottom out of this?) – can I have enough time to actually relax when you’re telling me to relax? I’m now tense because I feel I’m falling behind. Will there be a quiz?

…down your calves to the bottom of your feet. And each and every toe…

Eleven. Check.

…begins to relax. Now picture yourself on a beautiful tropical beach…

I KNEW IT!

The sun is getting ready to set…

What, like it’s putting its rollers in? Okay, now I’m just being picky. I need to commit. What time of year is it? Is it hot? I don’t find being sweaty very relaxing. It’s like all the worst parts of P.E. without the satisfaction of thrashing an opposing team at something. But if it’s cool now and then the sun sets, it could get pretty chilly out here.  Maybe I could just make myself a nest of pillows or something. Mmm, pillows… Ooh! Maybe this is me relaxing!

I’m going to count backwards from ten…

This is not a good time to stimulate my synaesthesia., but let’s give it a try.

Nine…

Nine green bottles hanging on the purple cheesecake fairy monkey monkey monkey…

When did morning happen?

Huh.

—

This is a realistic impression of my nightly routine. I’m usually convinced it’s not going to work until I realise I have been in a deep sleep for several hours. Winner: the relaxation tape.