Flying the Flag or Wotsit: Eurovision liveblog, 2016


A key tool for my travel planning is the annual continental love-fest/substitute for World War that is the Eurovision Song Contest. Does it look like people are having fun in Latvia? Are the Spaniards natty dressers at present? How likely are we to get attacked by unicycling gnomes or percussive grandmothers in Macedonia this year? This year we are following the tiny dancing cartoon balloon to Sweden, and I look forward to choosing my next destination based on our findings. Since I’m already booked for New Zealand, I feel reasonably secure this time. Let us explore together in the spirit of Eurovision. I’ve got my fingers crossed for glitter.

I’ll be live-blogging – I usually do this on Facebook but this year my Eurovision buddies are far-flung and I have decided to inflict it upon the rest of you. Let’s do points out of ten and compare notes. I’m not a cynic – last year’s CD kept my spirits up through a bedridden couple of months. Yes, I was on painkillers; why do you ask?

Drinking/themed-snack-food-eating game as is traditional – drink/shovel mini-pretzels every time you spot one of the following:

  • Wind machine
  • Unnecessary key change (put the mini-pretzel back if it’s actually interesting)
  • Pyrotechnics
  • Awkward chat during the ad breaks across Europe
  • Fluorescent outfits that bring back memories of the early nineties
  • Swaying
  • Overtly saccharine messages of peace (two mini-pretzels if it’s a country embroiled in a high-profile conflict)
  • Saving the world through the power of singing a capella
  • Mention of Brexit
  • Contemporary “dance” that’s actually just wafting (I like contemporary dance so I’m a purist)
  • Overdramatic belt-fest
  • Performer rips off costume to reveal even more ridiculous/spectacular outfit
  • Glitter flies everywhere
  • Irish or Swedish writers writing songs for anywhere else
  • Results from jury fail to turn up due to technical difficulties
  • Presenters are desperate to get the results as jury reps mug for their national tourist board
  • Shameless political voting
  • My mother slips into existential despair

Below is the running order; comments appended as things develop. Watch this space.

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