4 (Rejected) Strategies for Petty Vengeance


Since my estate agent announced that I am expected to be available for viewings at the bare minimum notice, or look forward to repeated entry by prospective owners guided (I hope) by a representative at any hours when I am not actually unconscious, I have tried to be pure of spirit and take it all in my stride. Occasionally, however, one is only human and may find one’s mind wandering to less lofty pastures.

My goal over the next few weeks is to extricate myself from this situation as smoothly as possible. I know (and part of my irritation stems from the fact) that my agency is being rather free with their interpretation of the law and are appealing to terms that contravene my overriding rights, so I have the moral high ground, but when it comes down to it, I am happy to have lived here for so long and want to get out with minimal fuss and stress. I mean, I have lambing season ahead of me with a field of sheep right outside my new front door. Priorities, people.

I may not advocate vengeful behaviour, and I would certainly never adopt any of the following strategies (and you do not need to explain all the reasons why these would be a bad idea), but to say “I would never dream of it” would not be quite true. My brain can be creative when it turns to such topics. If I had half this vision working on good stuff I would have solved some international crises by now*

*May not be actually factually true.

Nevertheless, here are some ideas my brain has birthed (while drifting off to sleep) about potential ways to sabotage viewings outside agreed hours:

  •  Order singing telegram to greet viewers with a personalised song.

Pros: Come on, it’s a SINGING TELEGRAM!; potential for dance routines, YouTube fame.

Cons: Not actually all that off-putting; Hard to do at short notice, which is kind of the issue here; Where does one get a singing telegram, anyway? Interflora?


  • Hold daily teddy bear yoga class and insist it continue under new ownership.

Pros: Obvious health benefits; straighten out the stuffing; general cuteness.

Cons: My teddy bear is already pretty flexible. Clearly insane.


  • Get seven of my closest friends to join me in the large hall closet, wait for viewing of said closet, invite viewers to join us in game of Sardines.

Pros: Fun for the whole family; make new friends; bond with existing friends.

Cons: Lack of notice for viewings might be an issue as cannot stay cramped in closet all day; would have to sniff friends for potential odour problems beforehand and might discourage said friends from joining one in confined space.


  • Wear robe, hold scythe, stand in garden outside window looking like Grim Reaper.

Pros: Already have scythe (don’t ask); already have garden; ditto window; good practice for promising career as human statue in straitened times for academia.

Cons: Half of scythe on top of kitchen cabinet; estate agent might still have garden key; viewers might want to see garden and would then have to hide behind shrub; possible cramp in scythe hand.


When it comes down to it, it is just possible that vengeance is more energy-consuming than a quiet but speedy drive towards moving. And isn’t that just a perfect illustration of how vengeance works? Although my scythe hand does feel a Reaper moment coming on. Just as well 1 April is not so far away. In completely unconnected news, I would like to invite my parents to join me on their deck for breakfast next Tuesday…

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